Thoughts After My Daughter had her Signing Ceremony to Play College Basketball

My daughter Charlotte graduates from high school this June and next fall will go off to college six hours away to Christopher Newport University in Newport News, Virginia. Right now she thinks she might want to work in sports–maybe coaching, maybe marketing, maybe behind the scenes–and she plans to major in business marketing and play on the basketball team. Charlotte recently had a signing ceremony in the school media center during which friends of the family, fans of the team, the athletic director, a representative from the booster club, coaches, teachers, and her teammates gathered to commemorate the occasion. Standard procedure for these ceremonies at Watauga High School is that the athletic director opens with a few words and then turns it over to the head coach to recognize the athlete. As both Charlotte’s dad and the head coach, I decided to tell some of the story of Charlotte’s history with basketball. I used my notes for the talk to write what follows.

I believed I had coached my last basketball game two years before Charlotte was born. I was an assistant boys coach at Vance (later renamed Chambers) High School in Charlotte, North Carolina. That team won the Class 4A boys state championship. Walking off the court in the Dean Smith Center at UNC, I thought what a way to wrap up my life in coaching. I was looking ahead to writing books and more graduate school. I believed that the decades I’d spent in gyms as a player and a coach were enough to last me a lifetime.

It was my daughter Charlotte who brought me back to the game. She was born in 2005 when I was a graduate student in creative writing at Georgia College and State University in Milledgeville. As a graduate student, I took classes in creative writing and literature while teaching undergraduate writing courses. My wife Megan worked as a resident director of a freshman dormitory. After I graduated, I accepted a position teaching at St. John’s University in Queens, New York. We lived in Connecticut, and I commuted several times a week into the city to teach at St. John’s. My second daughter Izzy was born while we lived in Connecticut.

Teaching at St. John’s, I often thought of one of my childhood heroes, a fellow lefty named Chris Mullin who played at St. John’s back in the 80s for a coach named Lou Carnesecca. I would occasionally see Coach sitting with friends at the coffee shop just outside of the writing center where my office was at St. John’s. While I was gone for the day teaching, my wife Megan would report that Charlotte would come out of her room dressed in athletic attire. “When will Dad be home?” Charlotte would ask. “I’m ready for sports.”

Although I believed I was done coaching, I still played several times a week during a lunchtime game at the local YMCA in New Canaan, Connecticut. One of the afternoons when I was leaving the gym, I spotted a sign up sheet on the wall for youth girls basketball. During the first years of Charlotte’s life and then as Izzy was born, I often said I didn’t care if my daughters played sports or not. I had taken for granted some of the things sports had taught me: the ability to receive feedback, goal setting, developing a work ethic, and persevering through adversity. Of course sports are also a way to stay healthy getting in a workout and a way to make friends, to feel a sense of belonging. These are things I’d received from sports, and I hoped maybe my daughters and their peers might know these things too.

At the YMCA, a child needed to be in at least the 2nd grade to participate in the basketball program. I signed Charlotte up on the spot, and when I went home and told her what I had done, she seemed willing to give basketball a try.

The next time I went to the Y to play in the noon pick up game, I was approached by the director of youth sports who was also a regular in the lunchtime games. “I saw you signed your daughter up for basketball,” he said. “Any interest in coaching that group?” The director explained that there hadn’t been enough girls sign up to have a league, but if I wanted to work with them once or twice a week for a couple of months, he’d appreciate it. I agreed to do it, and soon I was back to regularly writing practice plans. It felt good to imagine a starting place for second grade girls and the game of basketball. It had been nearly ten years since I’d worked with a group of kids in a gym.

We got started in one of the local elementary schools, and I had the girls work on jump stops, pivots, dribbling with each hand, passing, lay ups, and shooting technique. I tried to turn as much of the skill work into games as I could. The gym was loud with laughter during our practices, and of course one of the girls in the gym was Charlotte. She had fun, she got exercise, and she made friends with other little girls she never would have met. The players were all smiles and full of enthusiasm.

Of course the contrast between high school boys and second grade girls was stark, but not in the ways you might think I would report. I got my start in coaching when I was 22 years old and a head high school boys coach in Indiana. I remember an angry dad pounding on our locker room door after a game while I tried to talk to the team. “You can’t come in here,” the JV coach tried to tell the dad. Once, an older brother of one of my players threatened to assault me in the hallway. A relative of another player grabbed my shirt from behind while I coached a game. I came home one night to a yard full of for sale signs in my lawn. That one was pretty funny. These things didn’t phase me in my 20s. It was what I expected coaching in Indiana. On the other hand, working with the 2nd grade girls reminded me of all the things I used to love about basketball as a kid: the solitary hours on the town park court, working to get better, making friends, getting a good sweat in, and learning to set goals and persevere in the work required to reach them. I was very conscious that I wanted those things for all of the players who shared the gym with me. I didn’t feel like a dad in the gym, and I often wouldn’t be able to tell Megan or my parents how Charlotte was doing. I was focused on the larger picture of creating a positive atmosphere for practices. When I got started in high school basketball, it was conference and sectional championships that everyone had in mind. A big success with the second graders might be winning a game of dribble tag or one of the players making their first weak hand lay up. Once again, there were kids in the world calling me Coach.

We moved to Asheville when Charlotte was in the third grade, and she once again played at the local Y, but this time she was one of the only girls on the team. Our new house had a goal in the driveway, and I started to think about Charlotte practicing more regularly. Part of my growing up in Indiana was being a fan of the Indiana Hoosiers. In 1987, when I was a sophomore in high school, the Hoosiers won the NCAA title led by a guard named Steve Alford. The Alfords were a well known basketball family in the state, and one of the things I knew about the Alfords was that Steve had a daily workout. Among other things, Alford’s workout involved placing a basketball on a chair, running a cut, picking the ball up off the chair, and taking a shot. A player would get his or her own rebound, place the ball back on the chair, and run another cut. I spent many, many hours in the Winamac town park where I grew up shooting shots, getting my own rebound, and spinning the ball out to myself before I would take another shot. As a player and later as a coach, I came to believe in the power of the regular individual workout.

At least the first time I tried to help Charlotte practice basketball in the driveway, it did not go very well. It was pretty hot. Basketball can be tiring. I realized I had planned too much and what I was asking Charlotte to do was too difficult. In sports (and surely in life) there are many ups and downs. I think something that helps to promote success is to ride out the tough times and just keep going. Today wasn’t great, one might think, but I will be back at this working tomorrow. I stepped back, reflected on how things had gone with Charlotte in the driveway, and came up with a new plan. I offered Charlotte $1 to practice basketball for 15 minutes. Charlotte was impressed with the sum of money and out we went to practice. I probably had her do some jump stops and pivoting. She dribbled with each hand. She practiced lay ups on each side the rim, and she did some form shooting right in front of the rim. The fifteen minutes passed quickly, and when we were done, I handed Charlotte her dollar. It didn’t take long until Charlotte started to forget to ask for the money. It seemed that working out in the driveway was no different than training for a race or building up stamina to be able to read a book for longer and longer periods of time. These days Charlotte enthusiastically works out by herself or with her sister Izzy for 90 minutes at a time on the court. Of course time isn’t what’s most important. A player can spend less time on the court but get more good work done than a player who is on the court for a longer period of time.

As we got more involved with the community in Asheville, we learned of something called the South Buncombe County Girls Basketball League. The teams practiced more often and played more games than the YMCA and this time I could sign up both girls: Charlotte as a 4th grader and Izzy as a second grader.

There was a box on the registration form where parents were asked if they were willing to coach, and I said I would. I think there was a spot on the registration form to report any experience I’d had with basketball. Not long after that, I was asked to coach a team in the 4th grade league. The first day of the league was a player evaluation day. Charlotte was automatically placed on my team. Izzy played in an age group one level younger than Charlotte’s. We ran into a surprise the first couple of games in that Charlotte refused to play. She told me her stomach hurt. She and my wife Megan went into the restroom. I think the exchange between them got heated and at one point, Charlotte said something like, “Fine, if you want me to throw up all over the court, I will.” Charlotte came out of the restroom shortly before tip off and played in the game. She seemed fine. She did not throw up all over the floor as she had threatened to do. It showed that she was able to dribble and make lay ups with both hands. This is often all that is needed to stand out in youth basketball games. The next few games the situation repeated itself but with a little less drama. By the time the season ended, Charlotte seemed to have got over whatever it was that was making her stomach hurt. She had stretched out of her comfort zone playing in the games. By the end of the season, she had a new comfort zone. She had grown as a person. This is one of the gifts of sports: the chance to grow as a person.

It was year two in the South Buncombe League that we as a family had the most fun with basketball to that point. League organizers adjusted the age groups and one of groups included grades 3rd-5th. This meant that I could coach a team that both Charlotte and Izzy played on. We got to pick our team name, and we chose the Indiana Hoosiers. The girls were also ball girls for Roberson High School in Asheville. It was the school where my wife Megan graduated from high school and also touts UNC retired Coach Roy Williams as an alum. There was a point guard on the Roberson team named Cam Jansen, and she scored her 1000th point that season. I remember Charlotte saying that was something she didn’t think she could ever do. I told her if she worked hard she would probably have a good chance to do that too.

The Roberson high school girls team came to watch our Hoosier team play for the league championship. We lost a close game at the end. I remember both of my daughters immediately burst into tears. I remember Izzy saying, “Dad, I’m so sorry. I tried as hard as I could.” I remember hugging her and telling her I know she tried hard and that I was proud of her. I told all the players I was proud of them and that coaching them was one of the best parts of my life. If you look at the picture of our team after the game, you can tell that Charlotte and Izzy had been crying.

When Charlotte was going to be a 7th grader and Izzy in the 5th, I took a teaching position in the English Department at Appalachian State University in Boone, North Carolina. One of the great benefits of teaching at App State has been that school admins ask me when I want to teach. I say the morning and that allows me to be in the gym coaching basketball on most afternoons. With two daughters who both played basketball, I tried to find out what I could about the high school girls basketball coach by reading online articles from the local newspaper, The Watauga Democrat. The coach’s name was Laura Barry, and I was impressed by her list of credentials: she’d played at North Carolina, gone to the final four as a player, and since then had coached at universities including East Tennessee State and St. John’s in New York City. Of course since I’d taught at St. John’s, that jumped out to me. In doing some clicking around on the St. John’s women’s basketball website, I realized that Coach Barry’s time at St. John’s had overlapped with ours. We’d sat in the stands and cheered for the Red Storm women’s team while Coach Barry had been an assistant coach on the bench. Before even moving to Boone, we got a hotel for several nights so the girls could attend Coach Barry’s summer camp. This began a relationship where I would eventually work as one of Coach Barry’s assistants for three years and both of my daughters would play in her program.

We moved to Boone and tried to get a sense of the school system. The town is located in Watauga County and borders the state of Tennessee. There are eight K-8 schools that feed into the only high school in the county, Watauga High School. My wife Megan accepted a position teaching kindergarten at Parkway School and both of my girls attended the school since Megan taught there. As Megan talked with the principal, it came out that I had experience coaching basketball. It was suggested that I offer to help coach the girls team. I did so, and before the season got started the person who’d planned to coach stepped down. Once again, I was set to coach Charlotte. Izzy was not yet old enough to play on the team.

The team I took over was talented. Two of the players who were 8th graders would go on to be starters and all conference players at the high school. Both players ended up playing division 1 volleyball. As a junior high team, we saw a lot of zone defenses. Our two best players were two of the tallest players in the league. I decided on a plan for offense where a player would run from corner to corner along the baseline. When we passed to the corner player, the passer would cut into the post near the basket. We needed a player who could throw these entry passes into the post. We didn’t really have anyone to do it and with unlimited access to Charlotte, I decided she could learn to do it. I showed her how to run the baseline, the footwork that was needed on the catch, and to fake low and throw high passes into the post. Charlotte would not get many shots or recognition for doing this job. I don’t even remember having to sell her on the importance of the job. I told what she needed to do and how we would practice it. She began working on it right away, and she spent the season passing inside to several of the 8th graders on the team. After coming up short the year before, the team won the county championship that year. Since then, Charlotte has always been willing to do whatever jobs needed done if it gave her team the best chance to win.

For Charlotte and my second year at Parkway School, Izzy was able to join us as a 6th grader on the team. This was the first time the girls were school teammates. We have great memories of being in the gym together growing as players and people.

It was March, 2020 and the spring after I coached both of my girls on the Parkway team. We were all at a travel basketball practice preparing for what was called the Boone Roundball Tournament that was to take place that upcoming weekend. The subject of COVID was in the news more and more, and as we were practicing, I remember saying to one of the other travel coaches that this could be our last practice for awhile. The next day the tournament that we’d planned on playing in was cancelled. Shortly after that, we were told that instead of a one-week spring break, we would have two weeks. We never did return to face-to-face classes that year and the girls and I set up for remote learning–me as a teacher at App State and them doing their school work–in our home office. We spent the next seventh months working out on outdoor courts and on our narrow backyard court. Although we didn’t have access to a gym, both of the girls improved a lot during the pandemic. I remember Coach Barry telling me how much more confident Charlotte looked handling the ball as we began practices at the school for Charlotte’s freshman year. Both girls and I felt like they made a lot of progress on their games over the course of the pandemic.

The Watauga school district began a central district middle school basketball team, and I stepped down as the Parkway coach and Izzy played for that new central team. I started a new coaching position–while still teaching at App State–as an assistant coach for Coach Barry at the high school. As a former boys and girls head coach, I very much appreciated not being the head coach, especially with a daughter on the team. I got to spend time with the players and help them to grow on and off the court, but I was not the one who decided what team Charlotte would be on, how much she would play, what her role would be, or if she would be a starter. Those decisions were all for Coach Barry and for that I was thankful. Charlotte did make the varsity as a freshman and she started all 11 games of the shortened season at point guard. Although there were quite a few games that came down to the last few possessions, the team only won one game. Individually, Charlotte made a lot of progress as a high school player.

The team was dramatically better the next year and shared the conference championship two years in a row as well as winning the conference tournament both years. Charlotte made the all conference and all district teams.

It was August before Charlotte’s senior year that we received a surprise. Coach Barry left the program to be an assistant coach at Davidson College. She said she thought I should be the person to take over her position. I felt I could do the job well and help the program continue the progress that Coach Barry and Coach Epps had established. However, I also had my reservations about being the head coach of a program that would have both of my daughters in it. I knew no matter what I did, there would be some people and probably some of my daughters’ teammates who would in a way hold my daughters responsible for decisions that I made. I also checked in with my wife Megan. She had been a head coach’s wife once before when I coached at Greenwood High School in Indiana. That had been a big adjustment for her getting used to being the coach’s wife in the stands. Because of the demands that I’d had as a high school teacher and coach the last time I’d done the job, the experience hadn’t been a happy one for our family.

I tried to help Charlotte and Izzy understand some of what it would be like to have their dad as the head coach. Given all of my warnings and explanations, the whole family was supportive of me doing the job. The interview process and then the decision of the school board took about five weeks. It was a time where each time the team worked out, we thought maybe it could be our last workout together. After about five weeks, I received the news that I would be the next coach.

Charlotte’s senior season did have the ups and downs that we had anticipated. There were of course challenges for the whole family to navigate, and we grew closer as a family by the time the season ended. There are successes to report: Charlotte and Izzy sometimes shared the court as sisters on the same high school team, and the team repeated as regular season and tournament conference champions. Charlotte scored her 1000th point during the state playoffs. The team went undefeated at home going 15-0 and made the school’s first women’s basketball appearance in the final for playing on Wake Forest’s home floor at Lawrence Joel Veterans Memorial Coliseum.

As Charlotte’s dad and coach speaking at her signing ceremony, I pointed to three things I appreciated about her:

1. A Consistent Work Ethic over a long period of time: I remember Charlotte really committing to working out six days a week the summer before her 7th grade year. She has kept that up through her senior season and it still continues to the present.
2. Prioritizing the Team: Starting with that 7th grade season when she spent a lot of time learning to pass into the post, Charlotte has always been willing to do whatever jobs were needed to maximize the potential success of the team.
3. Loyalty to Family: as a dad who was the head coach, it gave me strength in the face of adversity to know that I walked into every workout, practice, and game with the support of my senior daughter. She showed this support verbally to me in private and on the court with her willingness to be coached and lead with effort and attention to detail.

The game of basketball has been something Charlotte and I have shared for at least 11 years. On the one hand, this will continue: there will still be summer workout sessions lifting weights in our home gym, runs in the park or on the track, and on court training sessions, but also Charlotte will go off to college six hours away and our days of working together six days a week will come to an end. Perhaps someday we will coach together on the same staff. Her departure from our home is something myself, my wife, Megan, and daughter Izzy have all struggled with. We are excited for Charlotte but very sad to see her less often for her not to be home with us everyday. That was something all four of we Torgersons struggled with over the last season, and it helped for us to several times sit around and discuss how we felt. I also shared my thoughts with friends whose children had gone off to college.

One of my friends–who coached his sons in high school–told me he thought he’d partially ruined his sons senior season because he’d put so much pressure on himself to make the final year a great one. This helped me realize that I couldn’t allow the fact that I was sad about my regular time with Charlotte coming to an end to negatively impact the time we had left together and the time we would share in the future even though it would be less than what we were used to. This is exactly what it means to live a lift. That it will end should invigorate the moments we have, and we can’t let the knowledge that it will end ruin the time we do have. Although I do understand there are many adjustments ahead for our entire family as Charlotte continues to grow as a person, have new experiences, and head off to college, I think we have reached some peace and understanding as a family that helps us relish the joy of the present while still planning for and celebrating what the future may bring.